The Secret to Happiness
By John Millen
What leads to happiness and satisfaction in life?
Is it money? Is it fame? Is it rewarding work?
How we find happiness is a popular question, played out in art, literature and pop psychology. But real, long-lived research is sparse.
There is one notable exception: Harvard University has conducted an adult development study of 724 men for more than 85 years. The study (which tracked men only, a vestige of its 1938 origin) intimately followed the lives of 456 inner-city Boston youth and 268 Harvard Students, including the late President John Kennedy. (The study continues with their 2,200 children, including women.)
The Secret to Happiness
So, then, what is the secret to a happy and satisfying life? Relationships. Not superficial relationships but deeper, connected relationships yield remarkable life-long benefits.
"Good, close relationships predicted not just that they would stay happier, but that they would stay physically healthier, that's the amazing thing," said Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, the fourth director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
In his TED Talk on the study, Waldinger notes that men with closer connections with friends, family and community were healthier, happier and also tended to live longer. They also staved off memory decline, staying sharper longer.
Rich and Famous
In his 2015 talk, Waldinger mentions highlights of a study of millennials, 80% of whom had a major life goal of getting rich and 50% had a goal of becoming famous. He says that is not where life's satisfaction will be found.
Waldinger says people are told to "lean in" to work to find fulfillment. "But over and over, over these 85 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, and with their community."
Interviewed on CBS, Waldinger said that instead of leaning into work, we should be leaning into relationships. "It's not the number of Facebook friends you have, it's the quality and depth of relationships you have."
Waldinger offered several insights on relationship building:
1. Practice focused attention
Waldinger, who is also a Zen teacher, stresses cultivating mindfulness. If you think about it, giving people our full, undivided attention is probably the most valuable thing we have to offer, but it's really hard to do. Attention is always being pulled away and fragmented.
These electronic devices that we're so attached to, are hijacking our attention. We can look at each moment and notice it. Notice whether we are giving our full attention to the important people in our lives; over time, that can really make a difference in those relationships.
2. Protect your sibling relationships
"(In the study) having a close relationship with even one of your siblings made a big difference in your happiness across adulthood," Waldinger said. "Those relationships are some of the earliest training grounds for how we are in relationships with each other."
This might call for renewing your sibling relationships or encouraging your children to find value in their relationships with brothers or sisters.
3. Cultivate long-term relationships
Waldinger says "it's critical to identify and cultivate relationships that become life-long. Simply watch each day, and who you're with and see if you can pay more and more careful attention to the people you're with. Put aside all your preconceptions and just be there with somebody. It makes a huge difference."
Try this now
What three relationships are most important to you?
Rate the quality of those relationships 1 - 10 (10 is best)
If the numbers are lower than you'd like, what small actions can you take to begin improving them today?
Think about spending focused time, putting your phone away in a drawer, scheduling a date or meeting, or making that difficult phone call.
By improving your most important relationships, you'll not only be helping the other person, you may well be saving your life and your happiness.
