Can You Make Yourself More Likable?
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
Michael Scott, The Office
By John Millen
Charm. Likability. Charisma.
Whatever you call it, being liked changes your world. Research confirms what we already feel: in business, politics, and life, likability is a critical engine for success.
In sales, the path to a "yes" is paved with three things: knowing, liking, and trusting. In politics, candidates often win or lose based on their "beer-track" appeal. As Jeffrey Gitomer famously wrote in The Sales Bible:
“All things being equal, people prefer to do business with people they like. All things being not so equal, people still prefer to do business with people they like.”
We naturally gravitate toward likable people. We want to work with them, date them, and be near them. But that raises a fundamental question:
Are You Born Likable, or Is It a Choice?
Many clients ask me if charisma is an innate "gift" or a developed skill. My answer? Yes.
While some are born with a natural magnetic pull, likability is a trait that can be learned, practiced, and mastered.
You don’t need to be a supermodel or a genius to be charming. We’ve all met "beautiful" people who were arrogant and "brilliant" people who were cold.
Real likability is about how you make others feel.
A UCLA study asked participants to rate over 500 adjectives based on their importance to likability. The winners weren’t "intelligent," "attractive," or "gregarious."
The top spots went to sincerity, transparency, and the capacity for understanding.
These are choices, not DNA. Here is how to put them into practice:
1. Become Genuinely Interested in Others
In How to Win Friends & Influence People, Dale Carnegie noted: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Small gestures carry massive weight. Remember a name. Ask about a hobby. Find a common thread.
Note: Sincerity is non-negotiable. Feigned interest is worse than no interest at all.
The P&G Rule: My first job out of college was with Procter & Gamble—a company known for grueling interview cycles. I survived 12 interviews not by being the smartest guy in the room, but by asking my interviewers about theirstories. They ended up talking half the time, we built a rapport, and I got the job.
2. Practice Radical Listening
In a world dominated by the "scroll," giving someone your undivided attention is a superpower.
Carnegie argued that to be a great conversationalist, you must first be a great listener. When you put your phone face-down and truly hear someone, you are offering them the ultimate compliment. People don't just want to talk; they want to feel understood.
3. Use the "Five A’s" of Value
In The Power of Charm, Brian Tracy and Ron Arden explain that our deepest craving is to feel valuable. They break charm down into five actionable pillars:
Acceptance: Offering "unconditional positive regard." Start with a smile—it signals safety and importance.
Appreciation: Boosting self-esteem through a simple "thank you" or acknowledging a specific effort.
Approval: Providing praise for accomplishments. We all have an internal hunger for validation.
Admiration: Giving sincere compliments on traits or achievements.
Attention: The most scarce resource in the modern world. Undivided attention is the ultimate gift of likability.
The Bottom Line
Some leaders view likability as a "soft" trait or a sign of weakness. They prefer to be feared.
But the data is clear: approachable leaders produce better, more sustainable results than those who lead through intimidation. Being likable doesn’t make you a doormat; it makes you a connector.
Your Challenge: Pick one behavior from the list above. Practice it intentionally for the next 30 days. Watch how your relationships—and your results—begin to shift.